Quotes from an Emotional Cheater

Remembering it all, one bullsh*t line at a time

Month: December, 2012

“I was feeling better about us up until…”

“I was feeling better about us up until the last time you called and got mad at me that I was at H’s apartment eating before the movie… Sure, we started an hour late, but she always cooks something for me, I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal… Anyways, after I left, all I could think of was that you’re my ball and chain.”

[Mid-June, 2012]

“Not only do I think that most people…”

“Not only do I think that most people appreciate random niceness more than nothing, I think you’re the only person I know who doesn’t”

[March 2010, Text message M sent me after I kept turning down his numerous offers to do ‘nice’ (but ultimately not-helpful) things for me]

“I don’t think you fully appreciate the great capacity…”

“I don’t think you fully appreciate the great capacity I have for wanting to do nice things for you…”

[March-ish, 2010]

“Does it not show you how much I care…”

“Does it not show you how much I care about you, that I put my own health in danger by coming over [when you were sick]? …I know you didn’t ask me to, but I think you should still appreciate how much I was sacrificing for you.”

[Jan 2010, after I told M to stop trying to ‘take care’ of me during our friendship. We had been friends for two years]

“…Doesn’t it seriously concern you that once…”

“…Doesn’t it seriously concern you that once there was a time when I would have done anything and everything for you, and now I’m not willing to?”

[Mid-June 2012, after I first asked M if he could either tone it down with H or be more transparent about his relationship with her]

“I kind of wish —- hadn’t come out with us…”

“I kind of wish —– hadn’t come out with us tonight, he made it hard for me to talk to my friends. …Oh, that’s right, I’m sorry. He’s your friend, that’s why you invited him.”

[Late June, the last night in New Orleans, before we started driving my stuff from New Orleans to DC]

“…I appreciate you not telling me…”

“…I appreciate you not telling me to stop being friends with H. I was really miserable before I met her.”

[Early April, 2012. One week after M met H and they started hanging out for multiple hours everyday]

“I’m such a bad boyfriend…”

“I’m such a bad boyfriend… Why can’t I stop hurting you?”

[Late June, 2012]

“One thing about being in DC now…”

“One thing about being in DC now, and being in the military, is that I’ve started to get really annoyed with fat people. They’re too slow and their asses are always blocking my way… Yeah, I know it makes me sound like a complete asshole, but that’s how I’ve been feeling.”

[March, 2012. The first sign that M’s new job/location/circumstances were bringing out another shocking side of him]

The illusion of Control

Reblogging this from someone who’s been there, many times over. This is just the first step, one I’ve been struggling with for months.

“The more that we buy into the false thought that we can manage, the more we convince ourselves that we are powerful.  There is a gratitude that comes with recognizing that life is unmanageable.  We just create an illusion of manageability.  The more unmanageable life seemed, the more power and energy that we try to expend attempting to control it.”

Step 1 Musings.